Our Relationships

Relationships can take many forms, romantic or sexual, platonic, friendship or familial connection, or more. Usually when we talk about a relationship, we’re talking about a person you’ve chosen to connect with in a specific way, whether or not that includes sex or romance.

In popular culture, a very specific type of relationship is most common, where two people (who are usually cis and heterosexual) are in a relationship for their whole lives. This is one way for relationships to exist, but not the only way. Some people have intimate relationships with multiple people (which is often known as non-monogamy), and other people aren’t interested in relationships at all.

If you feel happy, wanted, cared for, if you’re able to voice your needs, and hear the needs of your partner/s, there’s no wrong way to have a relationship, and no wrong way for a relationship to look like.

When in relationships - no matter the structure - you might find yourself doing things a bit differently to other people. No two relationships will be the same, because no two people are the same.

Our relationships are places to find love and be loved, to seek and give support, to learn, to grow, and to change in exciting and positive ways. Relationships also encourage us to be our most honest and open selves, and expect to be supported and loved for who we are.

There is no one proper “cookie-cutter” relationship type or sex life for LGBTIQ couples that fits all.”

Say It Out Loud

A healthy relationship can look like a lot of things, but a good indication is when you know and feel that you are an equal, and are able to bring up both good and bad things with your partner/s, and you feel heard and supported when things are difficult. For trans people, healthy relationships can also be where we are able to meet our most authentic selves, and be supported and celebrated for who we are.

No matter what kind of gender affirmation you want or have had, and what your relationship history looks like, all trans people deserve relationships that are healthy.

This might include:

Good communication: Communication means connection, verbal and non-verbal, direct and indirect. At its most simple, good communication is feeling able to safely voice your thoughts, needs, and feelings while also holding space for feelings, needs, and thoughts of your partner/s in return. You can read more about communication and on this page.

Feeling secure: Trust is important. While things like anxiety can be quite normal when discussing tough topics, a relationship where you feel held and like there is space for addressing and working through those fears can be a really great thing.

Independence and being your own person: New relationships feel amazing and sometimes we want to spend every second with our new boo, but it’s still important and healthy to keep connected with who you are. This doesn’t mean you’re necessarily keeping one foot on the outside, but instead recognise that your partner loves who you are, that who you are is worth that love, and as a result you want to keep in touch with that person.

If you’re concerned about being in an unhealthy, abusive or violent relationship, or you’re not sure what an unhealthy relationship might look like, read more at Unhealthy Relationships.

Whether you feel like gender affirmation has made you a whole new person, or the same person with slightly different trimmings, exploring new and existing relationships can be a daunting process. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible, though, and people of every gender can and do find fulfilling, exciting, and loving relationships every day.

Being trans doesn’t mean you are more difficult or complicated to be in a relationship with, but there are some things to think about and consider asking for that can help you feel supported, respected, and valued.

Existing relationships

After figuring out that you are trans, deciding who we want to share this part of ourselves with is often our next thought. If you’re in any kind of existing romantic relationship, it would make sense that you’d want to share this part of your life with your partner/s, but that doesn’t mean it’s not daunting.

Coming out to anyone takes preparation. Once you’ve had the conversations, the process of learning new ways to be together, and relate to one another can begin. This may not change at all, or it could be a big shift for both of you.

This period of time can be difficult for you, them, or both of you, for a range of reasons, and it’s reasonable for both of you to want support through this. Finding a good therapist, for either of you as individuals or together as a couple, is a great way to be able to work through this new phase in your relationship in a space that is supportive and caring.

We have specific information for partners of trans people, including online communities supporting partners in Australia.
Transfemme provides stories, tips and resources to support healthier relationships between trans women and men.

Break ups

Sometimes the people we’re in relationships with can’t handle our gender affirmation, or have their own stuff going on. This can mean they’re not able to support you the way you need, and a break up might happen.

While it can feel like your gender affirmation is directly responsible for the break up, remember that this is not about not you. You are doing nothing wrong by connecting with who you are, it’s just that some people might not be ready for that, or may feel that who you are doesn’t fit in with their sexuality or identity, and that’s okay but it’s not your fault.

People, their feelings, and capacity for change cause breakups, not genders.

Ex-relationships

Depending on the kind of contact you have with people you’ve dated in the past, it may feel important to let them know about your gender affirmation. This process is entirely up to you, whether or not you feel comfortable to, able to, or even safe to.

Opening up to people about what’s going on in your life is a choice, and a sign of trust, so it makes sense that you’d only extend it to people that you do trust in some way. For some people, exes fall into this category, and for others they absolutely do not.

That said, if you think they’ll be receptive, it can be a really nice thing to have people you rarely interact with affirm you. Have a think about the answer to the question “would I tell this person about another big thing happening in my life?” and if the answer is no, then maybe this isn’t for them to hear from you either.

Seeking out new relationships with people is a completely normal thing to do, but it doesn’t mean it’s not daunting or scary. This section talks specifically about safely forming new relationships as a trans person.

There are lots of ways to find people you might want to date, hook up with, or just get to know better. This might be asking friends to introduce you to people they know, or meeting people at parties and gatherings, going out to events you’re into, seeking others online, and more.

Figuring out how you may or may not talk about being trans is often one of the first questions to answer when looking for people to date. You may decide to be explicit on your dating profile or wear a visible trans pride or pronoun pin at an event, or perhaps you’re more inclined to tell someone after you get to know them, or maybe even feel that this part of you is something that you’d prefer people didn’t know.

None of these options are better or worse than each other, they’re just different, and it’s good to decide how you want to be with others. It can also be helpful to talk with other trans people about how they approach disclosure. We talk about disclosure here as well.

Setting good boundaries

It’s not only good, but important, to set boundaries that will help you feel comfortable and safe when exploring intimacy with new people. Boundaries aren’t a form of limitation, but a way of ensuring you’re able to explore what feels as affirming as possible for everyone involved.

These might include boundaries about your time, for instance only having certain days or times available, or leaving at certain times; boundaries about your body, such as not wanting to be touched in certain places or ways; boundaries about space, including not staying over with other people, or only going out to bars that you’ve been to before and feel safe in; and more. We get into consent here.

Good boundaries should be firm but not impenetrable, and as you grow to trust and care for someone, your boundaries may shift, while still respecting both of your needs.

Online dating

Online dating can be a bit part of how people meet and get to know others. Many trans people find using dating and hookup sites, or more general social media platforms, to be a way of connecting with interesting people, filtering people they may not feel comfortable with, and even finding romantic and sexual partners.

Like finding love and lovers any other place, online dating experiences can vary from the fantastic to the dreadful, and trans people often report experiencing discrimination on all sorts of dating apps. When approaching online dating, it’s important to look after yourself and have plans in place for support and care, if needed.

Safety is very important when meeting people from the internet, no matter your age or gender. It’s a great idea to meet people in public first, and to let a trusted friend know where you are, who you are with and a general sense of what you’re doing. Letting someone know that you’re going to check in with them at a specific time is another way of letting others know that you’re safe, and that people know where you are. Having an exit plan is also helpful when you’re starting out, text a friend a pre-determined phrase like ‘I forgot the apples’ so they can call and give you an excuse to leave.

Importantly though, have fun! It can be a bit daunting to try something new, especially when it’s very literally putting yourself out there to be judged by others, but it can also bring great joy, fun, sex, and exploration.

If you’re a trans amorous ally, check out our Hookups page.