Hookups

Being into trans people is totally okay, and in many ways just like being attracted to anyone else, but it’s important to make sure we approach this in ways that support and affirm our lovers, rather than objectifying, stereotyping or accidentally harming them.

Maybe you’re interested in hooking up with that cute trans person on an app but don’t know how to start, maybe you’ve slept with lots of trans people and want to read more about how to support your lovers, or maybe you’ve been linked this page by someone you want to connect with. All are welcome here to learn about how to support and care for the trans people we hook up with.

Every person and every body is different, and just like there isn’t just one way to have sex, what the trans people we hook up with may want and need will vary from person to person.

Listening and learning

The biggest thing is to not make assumptions about your potential lover. Every trans person will have a different relationship with their body and identity, and you are far more likely to learn what’s hot and what’s not by asking and listening than by assuming.

When talking about bodies, parts, and how we want to have sex, use the language they find affirming, and avoid using language they could, or do find upsetting. They might tell you what this language is straight away, or want to wait a little while until it’s something they can trust you with.

This might mean using words you’re not used to or haven’t used before for particular body parts and genitals. If you’re worried about getting these wrong in the moment, have a chat with them beforehand and practice with yourself. If in doubt, be general: “I want to touch you” or “I want to do this to your body” is a great alternative to using language you’re not sure about.

When people disclose something to you, whether that’s their trans experience, HIV status, an aspect of their sexuality or sexual desires, or something else, it can be great to respond in a way that affirms and normalises them. This could look like replying “Thanks for letting me know, is there anything else you want to let me know? Otherwise, I’m still keen to see you on x day”.

Touch, sex and sexuality

How a trans person likes to or wants to have sex will be different for everyone. Some people don’t like to be touched in places that others love, and what revs one person’s engine is an ice cold turn off for the next person, just like anyone else.

If you’re hooking up with this person for the first time, this may not look much different to how you negotiate and explore connections already, learning about the other person’s wants and needs, where they do and don’t like being touched, what language sounds good for them and what turns them off, and where their hard boundaries and triggers are.

Even if your partner isn’t trans or gender diverse, this can be a great habit to get into. Finding how to blend this kind of care with keeping things hot is the foundation of great consent. Transfemme is a great resource that include stories, tips and resources to support healthier relationships between trans women and men.

Approaching sex and touch with someone will change depending on who they are and what they want, but some good ideas to try across the board could be:

• Having a conversation about what touch is and isn’t okay

• Talking about how you look after your sexual health. Including staying safe, testing often, and being treated early

• Accepting that there might be some things you want to do and your partner doesn’t want to, or vice versa, and being able to say and hear “no”

• Asking before you touch a new part of someone’s body, or try something new

• If they’re someone you plan on keeping in touch with, checking in afterward, and asking if they’d like to do anything different in future

JD Davids writes for The Body that it can also be a good idea to “ask before you ask”.
Some of the ways to do this included in the article are below:

Being an ally out of the bedroom too

Being an ally to trans people means how you talk about, support, and advocate for trans people outside of bed, too.

If you feel great about hooking up with trans people, but don’t feel comfortable to advocate for them out in the world, including with friends and family, at work, or online, it might be worth having a think about why you feel that way.

Even though there’s nothing shameful about having great sex with or wanting to hook up with trans folk, we hear these messages a lot, as do our partners. It’s important to keep in mind that being an ally is an active thing and doesn’t stop once you call someone a taxi.

Some people get gender and sexuality a bit confused. This can make sense, especially when we’re all referred to under the umbrellas of LGBT or queer, but they are quite different.

A trans person’s gender is what they feel and say it is; a trans person who feels like and says they are a man is the same as a cis person who feels like and says they are a man: they are one! This only affects sexuality insofar as your sexuality doesn’t need to change just because they’re trans. If you’re into men, then it makes sense you’d be into trans men. If you like women, then trans women totally fit that bill. If you like everyone, or don’t think about the gender of who you’re attracted to, there’s a whole world of beautiful trans people out there to be into!

What’s in someone’s pants only matters when the two of you are getting down to it (and even then, not always), not necessarily while you’re figuring out whether you find them hot and want their number.

Sexual health covers a range of topics from what you can do to prevent pregnancy, treat sex souveneirs like STIs, and to even increase pleasure. It extends to how you talk about sex with a doctor or sexual health nurse, when to test and what bits to test, and simply having the knowledge to keep you and your lovers safe, hot, and informed.

No matter what your sex life look like, having some practical knowledge can go a long way to feeling safer, sexier, and having more fun.

Barriers - which includes condoms, dental dams, and gloves - are an effective way of preventing the transfer of many bodily fluids or blood from one person to another, and can be an effective way of preventing STIs. Barriers you can buy at a supermarket or chemist are usually made of latex, but latex-free options like nitrile are available for people with allergies or who just prefer the feel. Some people and parts produce a lot of natural lubrication, and others don’t produce much at all, so having some lube on hand can also be a great way of making things feel a whole lot better for everyone involved.

When sexual health testing, how regularly to go and get tested really depends on how many people you’re having sex with, and how many people you think they’re having sex with, and so on. There’s no shame or judgement in getting plenty of action or not much at all, it’s not a competition but keeping track can help you know when to book your next test. Testing guidelines recommend that if you’re having sex with multiple people, or you’re having sex with people who are, screening every 3 months is a great routine to get into.

The only person who is responsible for your sexual health is you.

For some more detailed information about sexual health, visit our Sexual Health page.