When a family member comes out as trans or gender diverse, there is a process of adjusting, incorporating, and celebrating the changes that affect you and your family.

Working through the changes may involve acknowledging and recognising grief or feelings of loss. Some carers and families will not have this experience at all, others may struggle with these feelings, and others may feel totally overwhelmed. Many will feel some or all of these things at different times.

This experience is sometimes referred to as ‘ambiguous loss’1, which is a form of grief that doesn’t have the closure that other forms of grief may take on, or leaves the sense of being unresolved.

It’s okay and reasonable to have an emotional response to any big change in someone’s life, especially a family member you have known and cared about for a long time, and that feeling doesn’t make you a bad person, but it is important to consider what this feeling is, and what to do with it.

For many trans people, the process of affirming their gender and letting others into that experience can bring not only fear and anxiety, but joy and excitement.

The very nature of being let into someone’s affirmation process, and their life as a trans person is a way of sharing with you, and showing you that they want you to still be in their life in some way, and that’s something to hold onto responsibly and carefully.

Around names, or giving someone a name, when they’ve chosen a new one

For a trans person, choosing a name can be an incredibly affirming thing, and the way that others go on to use that name can be an important part of feeling supported.

When your trans person, particularly if they are your child, comes to you about name changes it can stir up those feelings of grief again. It may be that you put lots of thought into the name that you chose for them, or their given name may have family significance or could be special to you in ways you cannot explain. Maybe you could ask permission to share the process of choosing a new name with your child.

Your young person may have already been thinking about their new name for quite some time and may already have chosen one. Once your child has chosen a new name it is important from that moment forward you use that name.

It may sound silly, but names are always temporary. Many people change their name throughout their life, and instead they serve as a way to describe a particular person and in some cases your relationship with them. Instead of thinking about their old name as the sign of a relationship you now miss, think about their new name as a way of describing this person you now get to re-learn how you know.

“I will miss doing certain things, or am sad we won’t get to do certain things”

You may not be able to do some things, but there are so many other things you will be able to do with this person, and new forms of bonding and care you will be able to share.

You still have the same child, this is important to remember. Your child or family member is is still the same person. They may wear different clothes, use a new name or explore new ways of being themselves - but they are still the person you know and love.

Instead, try to focus on what things you could do, like “maybe we could try doing this other certain thing” instead of focusing on the negative of what used to happen. A question is always better than an assumption! Maybe the trans person in your life will continue to love many of these past activities, no matter how gendered they are.

Responding in the positive rather than the negative

A lot of these suggestions come down to reframing the way you’re feeling towards from regret or sadness about the past to excitement for the future. At its core, this means saying “I am excited to learn who you are becoming”.

The great irony with calling this feeling ‘ambiguous loss’ is that there is actually so much room for resolution, and for recognising that even though the person you’re having these feelings about is a bit different to how you knew them before, they’re still right there.

When you’re feeling grief it’s important to talk it through with a mental health professional, or a trusted friend who can help you explore some of the more difficult feelings around this.

Even if your child is 60 years old, Parents of Gender Diverse Children can link you to a peer support network of other parents who are going through or have been through what you are now.

You will get through this, and it will be worth it. You don’t need to go it alone.