Friends

Having a friend come out to you as trans or gender diverse can be an amazing experience. It can be a sign of trust or care, of wanting to let you into their world and life, or a way of asking you to be a good ally to them one-on-one and out in the world.

Being a good ally isn’t difficult, but being a great ally can take some work, education, and work on yourself, your prejudices and existing beliefs, and when (or even before) someone comes out to you that’s a great time to examine this!

Being an ally doesn’t mean always getting it 100% right, either, but it does mean knowing when to stop and apologise, how to self-educate so mistakes are less common, and to listen and learn from those you are an ally to.

Allyship isn’t just a description, it’s a doing word, and requires knowing when to take action and change.

Being an ally can’t be summed up with a list, but the below points are a great start.

Name and pronouns

It’s a small thing to start off with, but using your friend’s name and their pronouns can be a really valuable place for small, everyday affirmation.

Depending on who else they have invited in, you may have the opportunity to be using language they hear rarely if at all in the rest of their day to day lives, and little things can go a long way. It’s important to take into account their comfort zones about this too - maybe they’re happy for you to use their name in private or not in public, or around some friends but not others. If in doubt, ask.

It may come across as sounding stilted at first, but that’s okay. That you’re taking the time to work on using language that makes them feel comfortable and supported is important and will typically be greatly appreciated!

It can be difficult to use the correct name and pronouns at first, and you will almost certainly slip up. It’s important when this happens to quickly and sincerely apologise, but then to not dwell on the mistake you made. Instead pick up where you left off with the correct language, and work to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

It can also sometimes be difficult to shift to using neutral pronouns like they/them for someone, even though we’ve been using them in the English language for centuries. You can read more about pronouns on our page here.

Being a safe person

For many trans people, our friends are the first people we feel safe to open up to. Especially if we are having a hard time with our family, school, workplace, or somewhere else, having supportive friends can make the difference for someone’s wellbeing.

There’s no one way to be a safe person, and what each trans person will need will look different, but consider the following some broad ideas to consider than a list of things you must do.

Helping inform others

“Your friend already has a lot on their plate. A transition is a big step! And chances are, they’ve come out to a lot of people at once. They are likely not in a position to guide each individual person through the complicated feelings that they have about this transition.”

Everyday Feminism

Being someone who can correct misinformation, do their own research, and help explain stuff so we don’t have to can be really helpful. There’s a fine line between speaking for someone and supporting them, and finding that balance is both difficult and important, but if in doubt, ask the trans people in your life when and how it’s helpful for you to provide that sort of information to others.

Supporting trans people in research

One simple thing any ally can do is to write to researchers or event coordinators who aren’t collecting gender information in a way that supports trans people and reflects best practice, eg. If question asks if your gender is “Male, Female or Transgender”.

ACON’s recommendations for appropriately collecting demographic information on surveys and forms can be found here.

There are many ways to be a great ally, and some things to try and avoid when affirming the trans people in your life.

Making assumptions

Even if you know some trans people already, or know of them from media or pop culture, it’s important to keep in mind that every person’s gender and identity are different, and this applies to trans people too. Your friend may be affirming their gender in a particular way, but that doesn’t automatically mean that they’re going to take the same path as others, eg. A trans woman may dress in a way that you don’t see as feminine, or a trans man may not want any gender affirming surgery.

The best way to not make assumptions is to ask, and to listen to the answers.

Outing someone without their permission

As with many other things, consent is key. When telling others about your friend’s gender, or the ways in which they’re changing, it’s important to take into account what your friend may or may not want others to know. This is not about keeping secrets from other people, or not being able to share your feelings and difficulties, but respecting the privacy of your friend and what they’re going through.

This of course doesn’t apply to any mental health professionals you’re talking to, who are bound by confidentiality and are a great place to do some of that self-work and tease out some of your thoughts and feelings to help be a better friend and ally to them.

Talking behind someone’s back about them

If you’ve got permission to talk to other people, it’s okay to want to talk to people about what’s going on, but make sure to do it in a way that’s constructive rather than hurtful or gossipy. This may mean just saying something like “My friend x came out as trans the other day and I’m so happy for them”.

You can download our resource on talking about the trans people in your life, here.

Asking invasive questions

It’s natural to be curious about people making changes in their lives, but instead of asking private questions about them, try to be the sort of person that someone would feel comfortable and safe sharing with.

Trans people often feel like we are the sole source of information for those around us, so finding out what you can, can be really helpful. TransHub is a great start, and there’s a whole lot of information you can read here to learn more about trans people.

A great way to support the trans people in your life is to learn more about trans people in general, including the different ways that gender affirmation can look. We recommend starting with our 101 section, which provides an overview of who trans people are, what gender affirmation consists of, and answers some of the big questions we’re asked. 

Also, while the gender affirmation sections of TransHub are written for trans and gender diverse people, anyone can read them and learn more about us. Find out more at the Social, Medical, and Legal sections.